HIDE & SEEK AT THE MARKET

Sebelumnya, saya mengucapkan permisi kepada sing mbahu rekso blog ini, mbak Vinda. Saya, Mora, datang lagi membuat catatan kehidupan yang saya alami. Kali ini dengan judul cerita petak

umpet di pasar, alias hide and seek at the market. So, please check out..

Hari yang entah kenapa membuat the whole day became a bad day. Pfffttt.... Padahal hari ini kan hari Minggu. Hari yang dinantikan setiap anak sekolahan sampe kuliahan (klo mereka ga ikutan eskul sih). Hari untuk bersantai dan bersenang2. Back to the situation, which is.....

Tadi, tepatnya di pasar tempat gw dan soulmate (emak gw) belanja, ada kejadian yg tak disangka dan ga diduga. Suatu pagi sekitar jam setengah sepuluhan lah, dengan cuaca yang enak gtu, ga panas dan ga mendung, gw beserta soulmate yang amat sangat setia, pergi ke pasar. Tujuan kita adalah belanja buat makan hari ini. Karena kalo kita ga belanja, kita bakal bengong di atas meja makan sambil nyengir2 kelaperan. Gw dan emak  gw pun melangkahkan kaki keluar pintu rumah, eh... ada si cowo tengil yg udah pernah meremukkan hati gw sampe hancur lebur berkeping2 ga ada sisa. Seperti biasa, klo ada gw, walopun dy udah ada di depan gerbang rumahnya dan mau pergi (secara rumah kita berhadap2an), bakalan masuk lagi. Dy kan gtu, selalu pergi sejauh2nya dari apa yang menurutnya adalah suatu masalah.

Tadiny sih gw ga ambil pusing amat ngapa dia masuk lagi ke dalam rumah, paling pura2 ga mau ngliat gw. Gw dan emak gw pun langsung melenggang kangkung ke arah tempat nunggu mikrolet di ujung jalan. Ga lama, mikroletnya datang. Singkat kata, sampailah kita di pasar itu.

Seneng rasanya bisa belanja, bertemu pedagang sayur favorit gw. Haa.... Cuma buat cuci mata (cuci mata kok ama pedagang sayur). Setelah puas beli sayur dan ngegodain pedagang sayur (uupps..), kita pun capcus ke bagian ikan. Lewat lorongnya trus ke tempat jual lele. Abis dari situ, kita ke bagian ikan asin (maklum, emak gw demen bgt beli ikan peda). Nah, dari situlah kejadian hide and seek ini dimulai. (Baru preambule aja udah panjang amat yak!)

Jadi, gw bersama emak gw kan jalan lagi tuh mau nyari sayur lain, ehh... dari ujung, gw liat ada si pentol korek alias cowo tengil depan rumah bersama.... Wow... Jadi ini toh cewenya. Cewe simpanannya di Jakarta.

*Klo mo tau, dia tuh playboy sejati. Menurut orang-orang dekatnya, dia udah punya cewe di kampung, bahkan mereka udah mau nikah, but u know whadd?? Di Jakarta, di tempat kerjanya sendiri, dy punya cewe simpanan. Yah... mungkin diam2 dia merindukan punya seseorang di dekatnya dia kerja dan tinggal kali. Dy ga mau yg jauh2. Maklum lah... anak muda.

Cewe yang di Jakarta ini tadi berbaju ungu dengan rambut panjang tergerai. Klo diliat2 c biasa aja, agak pendek rasanya dibandingkan gw (Trus?!).  Based on my feeling, dy tau dan ngliat gw beserta emak gw. Gw, karena lebih tinggi dari emak gw dan bisa memantau keadaan, langsung bilang ke emak gw, “Ma, ada c kunyuk”.

*Kunyuk adalah panggilan buat orang2 yang nyebelin di mata keluarga gw. Kasar c dalam bahasa Jawa, kunyuk itu artinya monyet.

Dan emak gw udah tau dari air muka gw kali dan dia kemudian bilang,” yaudah, yuk kita jauh2 dari mereka”. Jadilah, mereka di ujung, kita buru2 ke ujung yang lain. Dia di sana, kita udah siap2 ke daerah lain. Mata gw terus waspada, males bgt papasan langsung ama mereka. Paling c cowo itu langsung melengos, membuang mukanya. Klo ga pura2 liat ke arah lain, padahal dy juga waspada. I know it. Mereka udah hampir deket tempat kita transaksi dengan penjual daun katuk, kita langsung ambil jalan lain ke tempat yang dipastikan clear dari mereka.Pokoknya tuh, ga ada deh lengah. Stay away from them lah tadi tuh. Berasa main petak umpet.

Setelah sekitar 15an menit, kayana c, kita berniat pulang. Tapi ternyata Tuhan berkehendak lain. Ujan gedeeee banget turun dari langit. Seolah2 semua yg ada di langit turun ke bumi (lebai abis). Ditambah petir yang gede2. Pupus sudah harapan pulang. Mo jadi apa kita? Payung aja ga bawa. Eh... kok ya... ada tuh c cowo tengil bersama pasangannya di deket kita berteduh.. Astageee.... huh... Udah djauh2in kok tetep aja mau deket.

Dy ngliat gw, gw liat dy. Jaraknya agak jauh lah sekitar 1 meter. Itu jauh apa kaga c?!

Gw dan emak cuek aja. Gw tengok lagi ke arah dy berdiri, masih ada. Ada kali berkali2 tengok, dan akhirnya dy pun pergi. Pffiiuuuhh....!

Kita duduk bentar deh karena capek berdiri di tangga. Yah.. sekitar 10 menitan disitu, kita beranikan diri buat pulang. Walau banjir setinggi betis menghadang, kita terus lewati ajah. Mau naik mikrolet ternyata mikroletnya lagi dibenerin. Mogok rupanya mikrolet itu. Yaahh... kita pun naik yang lain, yaitu metromini. Sampe deh di dekat rumah, banjir bo! Setinggi lutut. Kita tetap menerjangnya. Mana susah banget yak jalan di dalem air itu. Sepiiii banget jalanan deket rumah gw. Sampailah gw di rumah. Bersih2 badan. Hah!! Capek banget...

Capek hati. Capek body. Entah apa yang membuat gw semakin benci ama dia. Rasanya ga sukaaa banget ngliat dy. Apalagi pas dy bawa2 cewenya. Dia itu seakan2 berani mempertontonkan siapa wanita yang sedang bersamanya kepada seluruh dunia. Gimana perasaan cewenya yg mau dinikahin di kampung nun jauh di Jawa Tengah sana? Gw aja yang cuma 2 bulan deket (hts-an doang c) dan akhirnya merasa tercampakkan, ngrasa mendidih bahkan sampai detik gw nulis ini kisah. Menurut emak gw, gw itu CEMBURU.

Ya ampun... setelah sekian lama, masih ada rasa itu. Padahal gw tau dy itu orang yang ga baik buat cewe manapun. Karena gelagatnya di awal sopan banget dan meluluhkan hati setiap mata yang memandang. Tapi begitu ia dideketin he’s changed into someone different. He’s turned into someone who’s really arrogant ang he isn’t polite anymore to people older than him. He doesn’t respect the older people. Dia melukai hati gw beserta ortu gw, meremukkannya, dan meninggalkannya begitu aja. Salah gw juga c dulu. Tapi.... He isn’t suppossed to be like that. Sikapnya itu unexpected.  

Cewek baik itu untuk cowok baik, sedangkan sebaliknya untuk cewek yang ga baik bakal dapet cowo yang ga baik juga.

   

who teach me a true love?

Love is fragile. And we're not always its best caretakers. We just muddle through and do the best we can. And hope this fragile thing survives against all odds. (The last song)
Love is something that always interesting to talk. People can life well and die because of love and sometimes you have to be apart from the people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes it makes you love them more. well, who teach me about true love?

First is Allah, He teach me true love by His love, the air to breath, a place to come when i desperate to everything. Second, is my mom, I have to say i dont really closed to her because we stayed together when i enter my high school. But many times i see woman gives birth when i am in hospital teach me that, only a true love that can make my mom born me at that time. Then... i have to admit someone there teach me for the first time how it feels of being loved. He is old, someone i meet in internet, i love him as like my father. You know, i feel so regret because i run away from his love to save my ex feeling, but now i am not afraid of admit this, i dont care . He is like a friend, worrying me, looking for me when i am not around (in the internet), gift, care, talking, and everything. Then, my child friend, she is in Malaysia now, working. I love her like i do to my self. We are together since we are in junior school, singing together, cutting hair with the same style, i also like to cook for her. After all, they who teach me love is my ex (s), of course even i am not a true love for them.  I dont know what i have done or what i didnt do that make everything happen to make me sad about love. I feel i have push them to leave me without i realize it. or..may be i leave them, while i realize or not.

We're not perfect. Any of us. We make mistakes, we screw up but then we forgive and move forward. Yes, sometimes we have to forgive ourselves because we leave someone who love us, or hurt them but we even cant say sorry for that. Then, forgive them who already teach us love. Forgive God who sometimes didnt answer our pray, forgive someone who stop trying to looking for us, forgive mom and dad for every little and big things and that make me feel sad about, forgive my ex who may be bored then ignore me and doesnt allow me to have even only a memories with them.

remember, they... they have give happy feeling before hurt till we forget about broken heart. Every heart will know something hurt after happy and happy after hurt, it calls balance. 

well, now, try to stand up, enjoy my own life, forgive my self and them. I will buy flowers to my self, buy a nice thing that can make my self happy, smile in to  my self, going to beautiful place, meet new people. I have to prepare my self to get a new lesson about love and telling everything to them before they leave. The truth...

Truth only means something when it's hard to admit! Don't you get that?

^___^

Contemplation: Heart of becoming a nurse.

Nursing is not for everyone. It takes a very strong, intelligent, and compassionate person to take on the ills of the world with passion and purpose and work to maintain the health and well-being of the planet. No wonder we're exhausted at the end of the day. ~Donna Wilk Cardillo


Contemplation is one of the greatest deeds performed by the heart; it is the key that opens the door which allows the light of guidance to enter;


“Who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth, [saying], “Our Lord, You did not create this aimlessly; exalted are You [above such a thing]; then protect us from the punishment of the Fire.” 3:191


Today, i was going to my internship place with a half of heart. I feel i dont have compassion. So tired. Tired about what, imagine that today i will met new people who (may be) will bully me and my friends. Student who still completing target, looking for experience.


i wake up at 6 am. my mom woke me up to do subuh pray. i woke up with lazy, but something in my mind whispered "hey vin, you always beg to God about your needs, but now you are lazy to ask" suddenly i do istighfar then took wudhu. "Allah... please, make today easy. forgive me, my parent, forgive bang iman and his parent. ...... and so on (let only me and God know).

after taking shower and prepare the uniform i went to hospital. oh damn, my name tag left!

i hope this is not a bad omen for today. lol

I think i just lazy to smile or become a nice and kind nurse. First, i have my own problem which none taking care of it, even my boy friend. I met such a co ass doctor who i dont like and i dont know i have to talk to whom about my feeling. Last, everything i do is like... m.... not meaning. i think only doctor in this world who can cure the sick, who can give prescription to relieve pain. may be with mefenamic acid or something. only drugs which work.

right now, i just want to take diazepam to make me sleep all day, when i wake up everything happen like i want or i dont remember anything about everything hard.

if.. if.... today, the first day work i get my energy from they who i love my family, my boy friend, whatever even my cats, may be i felt better. The fact is, my parent... i dont like them (i mean i love them but i dont like them, so complicated right), because i know all they want is just i can finish my school soon, dont ask them for money again, and can earn for them. simple but i a bit sick about what they want especially about man.

and my boy, my other energy, someone who i hope can build my spirit, became so sensitive and less loving lately. may be change? if i dont have Allah in my heart after all i hold, may be i'd surrender.

i know, no love can stay in the same power forever even parent to their kid, even man to his woman, but God to the human.

though often defied God, He still give me air to breath, water to drink, and HEART to feel after my brain error.


Today when i see the patients, postpartum patient, post laparotomy patients, stadium III D ca cervix patients, and babies.... my heart become soft, i dont know... i just change my anger, my hate, my laziness became... feeling i..  i want to take care of them. That feeling was like sad, yearning, and love.... i dont know much about drug or soooo many medical diagnosis, but my humanity said i love the patient, i want to do something to help them, provide basic needs for them, reduce their anxiety, give them spirit. how can i do it if i dont have enthusiast of become a nurse and focus on my own problem.

now.... may be i dont get energy or spirit from my family anymore (i dont know, my heart just cant detect it or numb or what), my boyfriend so sensitive, doesn't respond my respect, my regret when i do sin or hurt him a bit, i have try to be an adult, not screaming again when mad, not crying, reducing jealous and so on. i always try to make my self better time by time. all useless. whats on his mind? God, please keep this love because i know when i lost my feeling, is difficult to make it back and i dont know who will hurt instead of me. hhh....


but now... the patients.... when i taking care of them, i can feel they also taking care of my feeling. I feel better when talking to them. When i reduce their anxiety, i feel i do it also to myself. when i give them spirit, i feel back also to myself. Allah... is this your way to make me better?

i feel alone... but i have Allah. He hear me anytime i talk to him... He love me without requirement... and i have to serve Him, become His hand.... reach the patients..... help them as much as i can do. Nursing is not for everyone. You must be prepared to work hard. Nursing is both physically and emotionally challenging and draining.

Nurses have to contend with cranky patients and demanding family members. But think back to the last time you didn’t feel well. Undoubtedly you weren’t your perky happy self either. And in a strange and frightening situation you too would probably become demanding if your own health or the health of a loved one was at stake.


today... when go home. i feel my legs ached, my feeling is better even so exhausted. tomorrow... i promise myself, i will keep serving people. keep become God's hand......


Allah... please don't leave me.... please dont.


Jakarta, 10.23 pm.

i will struggle you, because i love you.

i am so depressed while writing this... my mom told my dad that i have bf and also told him that i will introduce him in my graduation ceremony. with all shock, my mom seems dont like him, and my father.. oh God forgive him, he always mock my bf. My dad said my bf is not equal to me because he is only a high school graduated. i have told him, my bf is a great man, he is strugling to continue to university now, he saved money when he worked in Japan, he work for his family now, also paying his brother and sister school fee. i am sure he is a great man.... he is the first man who really show me love. well... now i am crying while writing this. in Islam, i cant marry a man if my father doesnt allow me to marry with that man. Because as a muslim, parent's persmission is number one (and now honestly i dont like this right now).

my parent insult him everyday in front of me... it is make me sick, i feel broken heart and i cant do nothing. just nothing but silent.
my dad said i am egoistic. He said by choosing a "poor" man :'( i dont think about my next generation. but.. hellooooooooo see us dad, we are also not a rich family, how come you have a high expectation. He said, at least i get someone with higher education (read: he will be a rich man). hhh....

i love bang iman, how come i will leave him with that (my parent) reason?????? why dont pity me just remember the way they marry, they both come from uneducated and poor. nothing the had before but love.

i have to respect them as my parent and i dont want to be lawless. everyday, i cry after praying. I told everything to Allah.. only Him i can hold right now and i belive if i meant to be with my bf, there will be a way.

i want forget what my parents say, it is me that have to be happy not them. If my plan to spend the rest of my life with this man then that is my decision and you should not let anyone stop me. My parents should be supporting me and if things go wrong they should also be there for me wither they think the decision i made was right or wrong.

i will strugle you Iman... i will keep trying to get my parent approval. however, I will return entirely to God. During the remaining time before my parents actually forced me to leave you or married to someone else. I want to be the best for you... because i love you. i will remember you in my whole life time... (well, now i really cant stop crying).


There is no power and no strength but with the help of Allah the Most High and Exalted, please... please.... please.... i want to be with him forever.


here is my first perfect red rose from him, i will keep you in my heart, may our love will beautiful like this flower. keep faith... dont give up....