Senin, 30 Januari 2012
Menunggu masing-masing untuk tumbuh menjadi "dewasa".
Bertahan. Keyakinan. Cinta.
I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I tried to come to your house with the single object of seeing you... I had to see you. I have fought against my better judgment, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth by rank and circumstance. All these things I am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony.
soon...
Senin, 02 Januari 2012
Contemplation: Heart of becoming a nurse.
Nursing is not for everyone. It takes a very strong, intelligent, and compassionate person to take on the ills of the world with passion and purpose and work to maintain the health and well-being of the planet. No wonder we're exhausted at the end of the day. ~Donna Wilk Cardillo
Contemplation is one of the greatest deeds performed by the heart; it is the key that opens the door which allows the light of guidance to enter;
“Who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth, [saying], “Our Lord, You did not create this aimlessly; exalted are You [above such a thing]; then protect us from the punishment of the Fire.” 3:191
Today, i was going to my internship place with a half of heart. I feel i dont have compassion. So tired. Tired about what, imagine that today i will met new people who (may be) will bully me and my friends. Student who still completing target, looking for experience.
i wake up at 6 am. my mom woke me up to do subuh pray. i woke up with lazy, but something in my mind whispered "hey vin, you always beg to God about your needs, but now you are lazy to ask" suddenly i do istighfar then took wudhu. "Allah... please, make today easy. forgive me, my parent, forgive bang iman and his parent. ...... and so on (let only me and God know).
after taking shower and prepare the uniform i went to hospital. oh damn, my name tag left!
i hope this is not a bad omen for today. lol
I think i just lazy to smile or become a nice and kind nurse. First, i have my own problem which none taking care of it, even my boy friend. I met such a co ass doctor who i dont like and i dont know i have to talk to whom about my feeling. Last, everything i do is like... m.... not meaning. i think only doctor in this world who can cure the sick, who can give prescription to relieve pain. may be with mefenamic acid or something. only drugs which work.
right now, i just want to take diazepam to make me sleep all day, when i wake up everything happen like i want or i dont remember anything about everything hard.
if.. if.... today, the first day work i get my energy from they who i love my family, my boy friend, whatever even my cats, may be i felt better. The fact is, my parent... i dont like them (i mean i love them but i dont like them, so complicated right), because i know all they want is just i can finish my school soon, dont ask them for money again, and can earn for them. simple but i a bit sick about what they want especially about man.
and my boy, my other energy, someone who i hope can build my spirit, became so sensitive and less loving lately. may be change? if i dont have Allah in my heart after all i hold, may be i'd surrender.
i know, no love can stay in the same power forever even parent to their kid, even man to his woman, but God to the human.
though often defied God, He still give me air to breath, water to drink, and HEART to feel after my brain error.
Today when i see the patients, postpartum patient, post laparotomy patients, stadium III D ca cervix patients, and babies.... my heart become soft, i dont know... i just change my anger, my hate, my laziness became... feeling i.. i want to take care of them. That feeling was like sad, yearning, and love.... i dont know much about drug or soooo many medical diagnosis, but my humanity said i love the patient, i want to do something to help them, provide basic needs for them, reduce their anxiety, give them spirit. how can i do it if i dont have enthusiast of become a nurse and focus on my own problem.
now.... may be i dont get energy or spirit from my family anymore (i dont know, my heart just cant detect it or numb or what), my boyfriend so sensitive, doesn't respond my respect, my regret when i do sin or hurt him a bit, i have try to be an adult, not screaming again when mad, not crying, reducing jealous and so on. i always try to make my self better time by time. all useless. whats on his mind? God, please keep this love because i know when i lost my feeling, is difficult to make it back and i dont know who will hurt instead of me. hhh....
but now... the patients.... when i taking care of them, i can feel they also taking care of my feeling. I feel better when talking to them. When i reduce their anxiety, i feel i do it also to myself. when i give them spirit, i feel back also to myself. Allah... is this your way to make me better?
i feel alone... but i have Allah. He hear me anytime i talk to him... He love me without requirement... and i have to serve Him, become His hand.... reach the patients..... help them as much as i can do. Nursing is not for everyone. You must be prepared to work hard. Nursing is both physically and emotionally challenging and draining.
Nurses have to contend with cranky patients and demanding family members. But think back to the last time you didn’t feel well. Undoubtedly you weren’t your perky happy self either. And in a strange and frightening situation you too would probably become demanding if your own health or the health of a loved one was at stake.
today... when go home. i feel my legs ached, my feeling is better even so exhausted. tomorrow... i promise myself, i will keep serving people. keep become God's hand......
Allah... please don't leave me.... please dont.
Jakarta, 10.23 pm.
Contemplation is one of the greatest deeds performed by the heart; it is the key that opens the door which allows the light of guidance to enter;
“Who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth, [saying], “Our Lord, You did not create this aimlessly; exalted are You [above such a thing]; then protect us from the punishment of the Fire.” 3:191
Today, i was going to my internship place with a half of heart. I feel i dont have compassion. So tired. Tired about what, imagine that today i will met new people who (may be) will bully me and my friends. Student who still completing target, looking for experience.
i wake up at 6 am. my mom woke me up to do subuh pray. i woke up with lazy, but something in my mind whispered "hey vin, you always beg to God about your needs, but now you are lazy to ask" suddenly i do istighfar then took wudhu. "Allah... please, make today easy. forgive me, my parent, forgive bang iman and his parent. ...... and so on (let only me and God know).
after taking shower and prepare the uniform i went to hospital. oh damn, my name tag left!
i hope this is not a bad omen for today. lol
I think i just lazy to smile or become a nice and kind nurse. First, i have my own problem which none taking care of it, even my boy friend. I met such a co ass doctor who i dont like and i dont know i have to talk to whom about my feeling. Last, everything i do is like... m.... not meaning. i think only doctor in this world who can cure the sick, who can give prescription to relieve pain. may be with mefenamic acid or something. only drugs which work.
right now, i just want to take diazepam to make me sleep all day, when i wake up everything happen like i want or i dont remember anything about everything hard.
if.. if.... today, the first day work i get my energy from they who i love my family, my boy friend, whatever even my cats, may be i felt better. The fact is, my parent... i dont like them (i mean i love them but i dont like them, so complicated right), because i know all they want is just i can finish my school soon, dont ask them for money again, and can earn for them. simple but i a bit sick about what they want especially about man.
and my boy, my other energy, someone who i hope can build my spirit, became so sensitive and less loving lately. may be change? if i dont have Allah in my heart after all i hold, may be i'd surrender.
i know, no love can stay in the same power forever even parent to their kid, even man to his woman, but God to the human.
though often defied God, He still give me air to breath, water to drink, and HEART to feel after my brain error.
Today when i see the patients, postpartum patient, post laparotomy patients, stadium III D ca cervix patients, and babies.... my heart become soft, i dont know... i just change my anger, my hate, my laziness became... feeling i.. i want to take care of them. That feeling was like sad, yearning, and love.... i dont know much about drug or soooo many medical diagnosis, but my humanity said i love the patient, i want to do something to help them, provide basic needs for them, reduce their anxiety, give them spirit. how can i do it if i dont have enthusiast of become a nurse and focus on my own problem.
now.... may be i dont get energy or spirit from my family anymore (i dont know, my heart just cant detect it or numb or what), my boyfriend so sensitive, doesn't respond my respect, my regret when i do sin or hurt him a bit, i have try to be an adult, not screaming again when mad, not crying, reducing jealous and so on. i always try to make my self better time by time. all useless. whats on his mind? God, please keep this love because i know when i lost my feeling, is difficult to make it back and i dont know who will hurt instead of me. hhh....
but now... the patients.... when i taking care of them, i can feel they also taking care of my feeling. I feel better when talking to them. When i reduce their anxiety, i feel i do it also to myself. when i give them spirit, i feel back also to myself. Allah... is this your way to make me better?
i feel alone... but i have Allah. He hear me anytime i talk to him... He love me without requirement... and i have to serve Him, become His hand.... reach the patients..... help them as much as i can do. Nursing is not for everyone. You must be prepared to work hard. Nursing is both physically and emotionally challenging and draining.
Nurses have to contend with cranky patients and demanding family members. But think back to the last time you didn’t feel well. Undoubtedly you weren’t your perky happy self either. And in a strange and frightening situation you too would probably become demanding if your own health or the health of a loved one was at stake.
today... when go home. i feel my legs ached, my feeling is better even so exhausted. tomorrow... i promise myself, i will keep serving people. keep become God's hand......
Allah... please don't leave me.... please dont.
Jakarta, 10.23 pm.
Minggu, 01 Januari 2012
Why does love always feel like? A battlefield.
Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love
And suddenly it's like a battlefield
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love
And suddenly it's like a battlefield
(battlefield lyric)
Selamat tahun baru 2012 ^___^
semoga harapan-harapan di tahun ini bisa tercapai. aammiin.
Tahun baru sebenarnya tidak lebih dari pergantian tanggal biasa apabila kita tidak menyikapinya dengan pembaruan. Khusus untuk ku sendiri resolusi untuk tahun ini ada pada proyek pribadi untuk menjadi lebih dewasa. Kedewasaan adalah TETAP menjadi anak muda yang nakal, suka ngerjain orang, lucu, unyu-unyu, spontan, kreatif, dinamis, dan impiannya tinggi, PADA USIA BERAPA PUN, SAMPAI AKHIR USIA, tapi tidak meratap lemah saat bersedih, tidak mencak-mencak norak saat marah, tidak membantah yang tidak diketahuinya, tidak sombong karena tahu atau punya, bersahabat dalam ketulusan, mencintai dengan setia, bersikap profesional dan terapetik kepada pasien, berlaku lembut dan penuh kasih kepada orang tua.
Semoga tahun ini bisa menulis dan menerbitkan minimal sebuah buku.... itu keinginanku sejak dulu meskipun sering kucing-kucingan pas nulis-nulis. Bapak pernah bilang "ngapain sih ngerjain sesuatu yang gak penting". ya, suatu saat akan kubuktikan kalau aku bisa. pasti.
Dengan berbesar hatipun akhir-akhir ini aku menyadari sesuatu. Ternyata cinta itu aneh, sebentar terasa sayang bahkan dalam beberapa menit bisa berubah jadi kayak medan perang, sama seperti lirik lagu Jordin Spark yang judulnya battlefield. I never meant to start a war
Don't even know what we're fighting for.... Apa artinya? apa semua orang begini?
ahhh rasanya gak bisa nulis apa yang berkecamuk di hati, apa ketularan bang iman ya, yang sering diam begitu. Dia membuatku terpuruk. Tapi betapapun membuat terpuruk aku gak bisa benci. Betapapun sakit pengen ngalah untuk apa yang dia sebut terbaik nantinya. apapun itu.
